White Girl in Black Face

If you aren’t lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, transgendered, questioning or a straight ally; if you don’t live in New York or another major city; if you don’t have a gay cousin or a butch aunt or follow politics or watch the news or read the papers or surf the internets, then you might not know that June is Pride Month, and that this past weekend was full of gay pride celebrations. You also probably don’t read this blog so let’s just go ahead and pretend this paragraph never happened.

The big news is that despite it being just three weeks since my back surgery, this weekend I made a new t-shirt, attended my friends’ Carpet Bruncher (that’s a late breakfast for, well, you get it) and strutted my sexually fluid butt through both the Dyke March and the Pride March (nearly five gay miles)!

Here’s what I learned:

1. Not all dykes are women.
2. Everyone likes boobs. If you have some, you should show them to people. They make things festive.
3. Cops like kosher pussy. They don’t want to arrest you. They just want to take a picture for their Jewish friend. Calm down.
4. I’m going to hell, but Jesus will save me. (I’m not sure if he will save me before or after I get there. I’m guessing he’s going to let me burn a while, or at least get overly hot, just to show me who’s boss.)
5. Pride colors can also be affectionately referred to as rainbow vomit or unicorn poop.
6. Dogs have no interest in sexual politics. Like, none.
7. It’s challenging to maneuver a cane, a sign, a bag and a camera at the same time. Leave the sign at home. If only my grandmother had been around to tell me this.
8. Queers are racially segregated, but somewhat less so than the general population (in my entirely unscientific poll). My theory is that it’s a small community and we’re already marginalized, so we can’t afford to divide ourselves any further. Or maybe it’s because gay people tend to understand discrimination on a gut level because they experience it regardless of their race. Or maybe things just seemed all kumbaya because it was pride weekend and I was wearing dark glasses.
9. I belong to many families.
10. Glitter is sexy and bars are loud, hence conversations like:
    “I love your glitter.”
    “You love my daughter?”
11. Fishnet need not be restricted to legs. Make an outfit of it.
12. Love is our natural state.
13. If you go to a gay bar/club/party/event, even in a city as big as New York, you will run into your ex, your ex’s ex, your ex’s friends, your friend’s ex, and your future ex. They all know each other. This is simple lesbian logistics.
14. People you thought were dating are not together anymore, people who were single are now dating, and people who live together used to date. Don’t ask questions, just use your sixth sense. You know, the one your mother didn’t tell you about.
15. Nobody should be voting on whether or not I am allowed to marry a lady human — however — considering I live in a country where people used to own each other, I’m grateful to all the legislators, supporters and activists who brought marriage equality to New York!